When the thread that binds a couple breaks without the hope of repair, whether it’s divorce or separation, pain, regrets and abuse are sometimes part of the outcomes. However, the children, family members and friends that the relationship brought together also bear in the brunt of the conflict or disagreement. Children, however, suffer the most.
A research carried out in 2019 involving 6,245 children and young people in the United Kingdom reported that parental separation was more likely to harm the mental health of children aged seven or more.
It further noted that family break-up was the known cause of mental health problems, anxiety and depression in the children.
Aside from mental health problems, these children were found to be more likely to have emotional and behavioural problems than those from stable homes.
Divorce is said to be on the rise. And according to Divorce.com, of the 12 countries with the highest divorce rate worldwide in 2021, Nigeria was ranked 11th, with 2.9 divorce rate.
Even when divorce happens, couples can still be involved in the lives of their children. While that is clearly achievable, it can be difficult sometimes. For example, there are instances where a parent could relocate to a different community, state or even country. Also, if it’s a bitter split, a parent may not want to have anything to do with the partner or anything related to the relationship.
Co-parenting has been found to be a way for separated or divorced couples to be involved in the lives of their children.
Below are tips on ways to handle co-parenting:
Children of separated or divorced parents, statistics stated, mostly suffer emotional pain and stigma. In most cases, it takes time for the children to adjust to new changes and they could be experiencing fear and uncertainty, which could be expressed through angry outbursts, tantrums or withdrawal from social activities.
The Managing Editor of Custody X Change, a family law platform for parents and legal professionals to manage parenting, Shea Drefs, advised, “Don’t try to introduce too many parenting changes at this time. Your children are already dealing with upheaval, so it’s generally a good idea to continue your previous parenting techniques as much as possible.”
Drefs in an interview with our correspondent noted that divorced couples must have a fair and inclusive parenting plan and style. Another cause of arguments with divorced couples is when a partner feels left out of their child(ren)’s lives. It is therefore important for separated parents who have agreed to co-parent their children to have a template and adhere to it. Drefs stated, “Create a parenting plan with your ex so that your approach to your children is clear. You can follow a template, like the Custody X Change parenting plan template or your court’s document, to make sure you don’t leave out important information. When you negotiate your parenting plan, arrive knowing where you are willing to compromise. Be ready to calmly explain any provisions you are going to request firmly. Balance consistency with flexibility. While both households should share major rules and parenting approaches, leave some room for each parent.”
A family lawyer and divorce and break-up coach, Aronke Omame, also known as Sisi Lawyer, stated that children of divorced parents need the presence of their parents in their lives. She further noted that co-parenting after divorce was a new experience.
Omame stated, “Since there is still a lot of hurts, parents tend to put the child in the middle of the fight. That is the main reason it is said that children of divorced parents suffer. So, the parents must have a schedule.”
Drefs, who drafted a tool for parenting schedules, noted that a schedule was the only tool to track expenses, journal what happens and record actual time and keep everything in one place. She said the schedule would also help to reduce conflict and frequent trips to the lawyer’s office or courthouse.
She said the schedule could be a regular, seasonal, vacation or one-time event parenting schedule that must be agreed on and followed by both parties.
Sisi Lawyer noted that divorced couples must respect each other’s boundaries, adding that the children should not be used as tools to gather and report information in their ex’s lives. She added, “So, when a parent, for instance, gets an order for legal custody, most of the time, the other parent still has access to the child. It is in very rare circumstances that the court would rule that a father or mother should not have access to the child. So, both parents, while separately looking after their children, need to respect the rules and boundaries of their partners.”
For couples who went through an acrimonious separation or divorce, it might be difficult to want to have anything to do with each other anymore. While this is understandable, it is necessary to understand that your children are also going through the pain of your separation and wondering what would happen to their lives now that their parents are no longer together. “Consider the child’s interest at all times,” the divorce coach stated.
She noted that the children, regardless of the situation, must be brought up properly.
She added, “The child must be brought up properly and there must be no emotions about it. In a scenario where the mother has legal custody and when the child goes on visitation to the father and he does not bring the child home on time, there is no need for the mother to be angry about it. Rather, there needs to be an agreement on the children’s bedtime, chores, etc. This is not about the couples because there is no longer love or romance between them, so whatever is being discussed must be in the child’s best interest.” She noted that the decision to live and raise their children separately must be well explained to the children.
For the benefit of the children, divorced couples must learn to be civil with each other, especially when attending an event that concerns their children. Co-parenting is a deliberate activity that should be planned by both parents. Omame advised divorced couples not to speak evil or negative words about their exes to their children.
Sisi Lawyer explained that this could cause emotional stress for the children and make them feel guilty or even make them see themselves as the cause of their parents’ separation or divorce. The divorce coach further advised couples to stay away from publishing their disagreements on social media but seek legal mediation for resolution.
“There are many things that call for attention when there is acrimony between couples. It is better to refer them to mediation, which is a better step to conflict resolution than washing their dirty linen in public and not necessarily going to court,” she advised.
