It only took little, effortless triggers for Rose and Samuel Peters (pseudonyms) to get down to raving marathons behind the duvet when they newly got married five years ago. With two kids in the marriage and growing demands of raising a family, stressors are fast getting in the way of what used to be regular horny thrills.
“It is now hard for me to get her into sex mood,” Samuel said worriedly. “Our sex life has been really affected. She is either complaining of tiredness or she is just not interested even on weekends when we are at home.”
For John and Ada Ameobi, the reverse is the case. Oftentimes, it is the 31-year-old woman battling to turn on her man’s sensual feeling and gunning for intimate moments in the bedroom. “He is no longer the man I married four years ago,” Ada fumed. “He is starving me of sex. I always try hard to get him in the mood.”
Factors responsible for thorny sexual life of the Peters and Ameobis could vary and require different solutions. Indeed, “there is no particular method that works for every couple,” a marriage counsellor, Samuel Umesi, noted. “What matters is for you to understand the body chemistry of your partner. If you understand your partner very well, you will be able to know what will turn him or her on.”
The complex nature of the issue notwithstanding, experts have come up with some tips that partners could try out. “The first thing is for the couple to understand that the largest sex organ is the mind,” said a counselling psychologist, Mrs Oluwatosin Togun.
“For you to be turned on, your mind has to be prepared for it. You have to make up your mind that this is sexual intercourse between my partner and I and I’m going to enjoy it.”
Togun observed that a receptive mind made it easier for any little effort from a partner to turn on their spouse. “Another important thing is seeking the interest of your partner. For some people, kissing is a turn-off,” she added.
In no particular order, below are seven means the amorous sensory of one’s partner can be tickled for an amazing session in the inner room.
There are reportedly over 40,000 nerve endings in the palm of a partner’s hand. Holding the hand of the partner affectionately while taking a walk down the street or entering a cinema to watch a (romantic) movie could be a requisite trigger for an exciting sexual intercourse afterwards. Hand holding is not only adorable, it shows you really love your partner and are proud of them.
“Eye gazing can be very sensual and is a great way to increase arousal,” said sex and relationship expert Shamyra Howard. You can choose a time when you both feel relaxed, take two minutes to stare into each other’s eyes without talking and discuss the experience afterwards. Eye gazing has been found to be a fundamental component of “tantric sex” and a powerful way to enhance intimacy.
According to Howard, hugs are soothing, increase connection that shows how much you desire your partner outside of a sexual setting, but which ironically, will be a turn on for your partner to have more sex. Also, giving your partner an erotic massage— one that releases tension and turns her on—could be a good trick.
“Never underestimate the power of an unexpected touch,” another relationship expert, Dr David Niven, advised. “Just by stimulating his nerve endings when he’s not prepared for it, you create a positive physical connection that leaves your man wanting more.” For example, instead of asking for an item, you can glide your hand into your partner’s pocket and fondle slowly with their private parts.
the feel-good experience will serve as leverage to easily get one’s spouse turned on next time “because the person knows that you will do everything necessary to satisfy them.”
“There are some fulfillments that make your partner feel you are irresistible and she will long to have you some other time. Seek to turn your partner on and in the process, you will also be turned on,” she added.
If there is a problem getting one’s spouse turned on, engaging in heart-to-heart discussions with them could be a start to finding a lasting solution. “You can ask ‘Sweetheart, where do I touch you that interests you most and where do I touch you that pisses you off?” Togun stated.
When you communicate, you would know how your partner reacts to your touches and fondling, Umesi also observed, noting that couples can help each other by letting the other know what turns them on.
He added, “It might not be verbal communication, it may be expression to show that this particular thing turns me on while another turns me off and it is for the other partner to be observant to how the other party reacts.
“Some people will feel irritated if you touch their nipples, but for others, it is like you have sparked off something and it becomes a driveway to having sex. For some people, it is touching their private parts. You have to study your partner to understand what turns them on.”
Instead of trying to turn your partner on over the course of a few minutes, you can do so slowly throughout the day. You know your partner better than anyone, so hopefully you have a sense of how overtly sexual you should be, but if you aren’t totally confident, start off with cute, harmless, sexual texts such as, “Can’t wait for you to come home tonight,” “It’s going to be so sexy having your naked body next to mine.”
Research from the Netherlands suggests that romantic movies can heighten arousal in women, which isn’t necessarily the case for me. According to the study’s author, Marieke Dewitte, PhD, women’s sexual motivation can tend to stem from relationship-based content rather than from scenes that are overtly sexual, which are what tend to get men revved up.